What to say when your child won’t eat

When my child refuses to eat, what on earth do I say? I find myself lecturing about healthy food and what our bodies need, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Any ideas would be great.

Giving our kids a balanced, nutritious diet is important, but it often feels more significant to us than to them! You don't mention your child's age, but for many picky eaters, the logic of eating healthy food doesn't resonate yet. They might not be developmentally ready for that kind of reasoning, or they might have stronger needs, like avoiding certain textures or being overwhelmed by lots of different colours.

Previously, we discussed staying calm when your child doesn't eat. Start with that, as it allows you to choose your words thoughtfully instead of reacting from frustration or anxiety. Think about some of the ideas below and practice your responses, as that can also be helpful.

How we talk to our children about food can either add pressure or encourage them to be more adventurous. Let's explore some options.

If your child says, "I don't want to eat that!" or pushes their food away, respond with curiosity about what's going on for them. You might say (in an interested, gentle tone), "Oh, you're not sure about your food today?" or "I see you pushed your plate away. What's up?" This shows you've noticed and aren't judging them or forcing them into something. (Toddlers, in particular, have a keen radar for being pushed and are developmentally inclined to resist!)

Then, invite them to engage with what's on their plate. Here are some options:

- "I wonder if the carrot is crunchy or soft. What do you think?"

- "How many peas do you have on your plate? Can you count them?"

- "What do you like on your plate?"

Or you could offer practical options:

- "Would you like a separate plate to put the bits you want to eat first on?"

This approach doesn't guarantee your child will eat—they control their taste preferences and appetite. It does, however, create a positive mealtime experience, allowing them to explore food and build the courage to try new things.

Avoid labelling food as healthy, unhealthy, good, or bad, as this can add pressure or make certain foods more desirable. Instead, talk about food in a descriptive and neutral way. Here are some ideas:

- "Protein helps build our muscles; we can get it from lentils, eggs, or chicken..."

- "Carrots are crunchy and then go soft when we cook them."

- "We eat cake sometimes, but not at every meal."

- "Toast, crackers, and crisps are all crunchy; what else is crunchy?"

Creating a pressure-free, explorative, and relaxed environment is key to adventurous eating. In our busy lives, it's challenging to avoid worrying about what our children eat, but reducing pressure during meals is crucial.

Adventurous eating doesn't happen overnight (I know, we all wish it did!), but by noticing what's going on for our children and understanding their experiences, we can find the right words to engage them. There isn't one answer, and what works for one child might not work for another. Experiment with different ideas to find what works for you.

Respond in a way that makes your child feel seen and heard by gently reflecting what you see. Then, invite them to engage in whatever way feels appropriate to potentially overcome some of the reasons they are refusing their food.

Remember, adventures in food don't just happen during mealtimes; from growing your own vegetables to pretend play, you can build your child's interest. Check out our Instagram account @raising_adventurous_eaters for more ideas.

I hope that's helpful!